How a Book Changes Us + Free Gift to You
On the launch anniversary of THE SEX TALK YOU NEVER GOT and a year's worth of reader stories. Plus, because you all asked a LOT, finally a free Study Guide!
Tom and his son Trevor set out last summer for an adventure West. This was a rather straight forward father son trip, the kind born of a shared thirst for the open road, the promise of mountains, a needed break from the Midwest heat, and just enough unknown to bond them together. Trevor had just graduated high school and this would be his last carefree wild goose chase with his dad before the big busy world awaited him.
To pass the 20-odd hours of asphalt staring, Tom hatched a plan to listen to one specific audiobook that he’d just finished himself—last summers debut sizzler written by, ahem, yours truly. Sure, they’d talked about sex—the plumbing talk and some conversations on purity. But he’d always wanted to say more, to share the joy and pleasure and heart of it without it being awkward. He really wanted to send Trevor out into the world more blessed, more equipped, and more alive too.
Coming in at 8 hrs recording time, Tom thought they’d knock it out by Nebraska easy. But they could not just listen. It opened up so many conversations, more than he ever could have dreamed. And just as they pulled into a truck stop, with Colorado mountains popping in view on the horizon, they finally finished. 19 hrs! Trevor got out and said, “Dad, I think I can officially claim ‘the longest sex talk you ever got.’”
Tom shared this story with me through my website, as so many readers have done, with the kindest note of gratitude. And not a week goes by that I don’t think about Trevor’s words and laugh. Yes, yes, my book is a long haul conversation with a lot to talk about. Sorry Trevor! And yet I marvel at the unbelievable privilege to be in that car with you both instigating a heartfelt conversation. One where, if my math is right, a father and son talked more than I ever narrated.
What Can a Book Do?
This month The Sex Talk You Never Got passed it’s one year anniversary of doing work out in the world. That’s a whole year’s worth of this book meeting men and sons (and women and daughters too!) in their lives, their stories, their journeys. I’ve heard such wild and beautiful stories of redemption, honesty, tears, longing, healing, and even mending of relationships. These messages have been the best thing ever. Though I can’t reply to them all, I revel in every one. And each and every story has made all those 5:00 am writing sessions worth every drop of coffee.
At the end of the day, a book is simply a means of making a human connection. My deepest hope is that you meet God in these pages and that this book starts a conversation for you and starts a process. And most of all, I hope it helps recover what makes you most human, most dignified in your sexuality. And I am so grateful when I make that connection.
Saving the Next Generation
Because of that, there’s been something extra special about the stories where my book is used to foster conversations with the next generation. They represent the wounds and painful stories that won’t happen because these young men (and young women) got a healthier sexual formation.
In April, I received a note from a single mother of an only son. After her husband walked out on them both for another woman, followed a few years later by the discovery that her son had been sexually abused by a neighbor kid, she was desperate for some way to cast a vision for her son of healthy masculine sexuality. Knowing she could not risk more toxicity or harm to his sexuality, she read my book to vet it as a possible resource for him now that he had just become an adult. And it moved her, for him and for herself too (just amazing!).
So she gave it to her son. Months went by without a word. She did not press him for a long while, knowing it was a tender subject. He was 18 and living his own life. But fearing it did not land well, she just had to ask. She didn’t want end up leaving him alone to a topic that was a place of such suffering. “What did you think of that book” she asked. He said, “I loved it! Its beautiful. It’s like reading poetry.”
I have many privileges in life, but to know that for a young man who suffered so much harm and broken heartedness in the area of his sexuality that my words had scripted a beautiful vision of sexuality, what a seat of honor! I sat in a Starbucks, short on time to pick up my kids from school, yet unable to leave my seat, undone by tears of gratitude
I’ve gotten to hear some stories in person too. A church invited me to speak to their men’s community to end their fall book study. They’d walked through my book over several months and asked I’d answer questions and invite them to what was next. It was far and away more a reward for me than them. I got to hear the deep conversations and see the tears that it had stirred for them. What truly brave men! One young man freshly married broke down in tears about his longing to be healed of his porn use. He saw the vision now of a good lover and was doing his work to get there. An older man married for 40 years said that after reading he started braving conversations with his wife that were deeper than he’d ever gone before.
And then too was the father of three adult sons, who purchased copies of my book for each of them. When he gave it to them, he said, “This is the sex talk I wish I’d given you. Let’s talk after you read this.” Gosh, that brings tears to my eyes even now. What a humble father! What an alive father, to still show up and care, even years later. He had not give up on them—or himself.
A book alone can’t change men or marriages or generations. But it seems, in the hands of a good man with an open heart and willing to wrestle God, my book can play a roll in that magical alchemy!
You Get the Gift
I’ll say it again. At the end of the day, a book is simply a means of connecting us as humans and calling out what is most human inside us. A conversation from me to you, as author and reader, and even more from you to yourself, God, and your people.
So many have reached out asking if I have a study guide for my book. I felt for you all: I started a conversation and then left you to figure it out. That was by design. I trusted God to help you figure it out. But at the same time, I see the need for some curated questions. Especially because so many men want to do this in a group. And it’s difficult.
So at long last, my one year gift to you is a free study guide. This will be a free download for anyone who signs up for my Substack. Just click here to join and you’ll receive it in the Welcome email:
This guide is designed to foster conversation in safe small gatherings of men. That could be a church organized gathering of men, split off into smaller discussion groups. Or it could simply be you and a buddy talking over morning coffee. And yes, you could even do these questions alone with God. But I really want to encourage you to invite at least one man along with you. And we learn best by growing in community. That’s why I wrote this study guide for you.
Use this freely and widely. Print for anyone in your group. I would only ask as a token of gratitude and support for my writing that you ask men to sign up for my free Substack. But that’s simply an ask, not an obligation. For signing up, they’ll also still get the free ebook How To Give a Sex Talk and a free sneak preview chapter of The Sex Talk You Never Got.
Here’s to a better conversation on sex. You are worth it.
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Want to talk with me about this post? Join us Monday, June 30, at 6:30pm MT/8:30pm ET, in a Zoom conversation exclusively for paid subscribers. This month is an “Ask Me Anything.” I love these times so much! To join us, upgrade your membership (see below) for $5 a month (cancel anytime). The Zoom link can be found here.
Thank you all for helping my book hit over 100 reviews on Amazon! It was a great gift as I celebrated the one year anniversary. Numbers are not the point here, but more reviews help more men find my book. Even one sentence is enough. Here’s a short tutorial video should you need it. And write the review here: Amazon | Goodreads
I slowed my podcast interviews a bit this month to make space to write the Study Guide. But I managed to record a few, some that have not released yet. I talked with Wailer from The Naked Gospel and could have for many hours more. A part two is in the works. And I had the beautiful privilege of talking in person on Story and Sex with Training Ground. So amazing! Some reflections from the guys are here and here.
Congratulations and thank you
Thank you Sam. I’m thrilled that my teen has been loving it.