The Sex Talk You Never Got
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“So Sam, what do you do for work?” asked John.
John had us hostage. Our family had escaped to the mountains for a getaway trip last fall. And we stayed in one of those time share resorts. You might know the type where, where if you endure an hour long sales pitch, you get a discount on your stay.
John was our sales-guy-turned-captor but thankfully he seemed human enough. While our boys raided the snack area, John grilled us with questions about our lifestyle and financial state, trying to make a sale.
“I’m a therapist and an author.” I said, not sure how that would land. It does not scream big bucks and, if he’s ever seen or been told to see a therapist, it may poke at other parts of his life.
“Author. Like, you wrote a book?”
“Yes,” I say. Hard swallow. I know what he’s going to ask next.
“What’s it about?” He asked.
“It’s called The Sex Talk You Never Got and it comes out next summer.”
If being a therapist didn’t trigger him, a book on sex will surely do the trick. But without skipping a beat he said, “Well, that’s going to sell really well. That’s really important. I never got a sex talk and frankly I didn’t give my sons’ one either.”
Tacked up behind him on his cubicle was a photo of him standing next to two young men, his arms draped over their shoulders. He clearly loved his boys. And yet, he never talked to them about sex, nor did his father with him. And on and on the neglect goes.
Most men I know were maybe given a basic anatomy lesson or purity lecture if they got anything at all. Which left so many of us men to figure sex out on our own—from friends, movies, Google, porn, or heartache moments of sexual struggle. These are terrible guides and nowhere near a healthy replacement for good conversation and formation from our parents or trusted caregivers. Nowadays I think more parents are saying something about sex. But studies show the vast majority of young people are leaving home still craving more conversation about romance and sex.
Even more than spirituality, I believe sexuality is the most neglected part of a man’s life. No, I’m not talking about a need for more sex per se, but the cultivation and recovery of something deep within, the very heart of sexuality.
And so I wrote a book about it.
In the wake of the #metoo movement, I sat with the rest of the world troubled by the amount of harm that had been done in the name of male sexuality. From outright sexual violence to the almost universal stories of women enduring daily catcalls. It was hard not to wonder: Is male sexuality just fundamentally broken? I thought too of the many men in my counseling office who themselves, in the wake of their own entrenched sexual struggles or wreckage, had asked the same question: Am I just a monster?
I already knew the answer. Despite all this horror, I remembered how God stood back from all his creation in the garden of Eden and called it good, very good, including every part of Adam. Male sexuality had not simply evolved, like some rogue virus, in the muck and mire of the fall. It had an original blessing from God. As Chuck Degroat once said, our stories don’t begin in sin and shame, but goodness and desire. And though we’ve all fallen in Adam, that original blessing is not lost. You are not a monster. No matter how lost it seems, your sexual innocence can be recovered.
When Adam and Eve meet that very first time, they take in the wild goodness of each other’s naked glory. Yet, no shame haunts the moment and no sin reduces this to empty objectification. This, the very first moment of human contact ever recorded, aroused both awe and innocence. And what does it lead to? Poetry! Adam breaks into spontaneous verse with Eve.
When was the last time your sexual arousal led to poetry? I believe Adam shows us the very heart of male sexuality—something essential to sex but far too absent these days.
No, it’s not that every man needs to become a poet. Well, not exactly. But I do believe every man has a Lover heart, a capacity for what Esther Perel calls the “poetics of sex.” We talk a lot about the mechanics of sex, how the parts fit together and make babies. But we rarely talk about what animates our sex, the stories that script it, and the way desire moves the body. What really rouses a man’s body and heart? Men have lost their way with embodying well their sexual desire, often misunderstanding sex to be a need or a drive, rather than something that arises more in the heart than our loins.
We lost that heart of male sexuality. The inner Lover present in every man. Poet Rainier Rilke once told a young man he was mentoring that good sex ought to inspire every man to become a poet the next day. “Those who come together in the night time and entwine in swaying delight perform a serious work and gather up sweetness, depth and strength for the song of some poet that is to be, who will rise to tell of unspeakable bliss.” Rilke was inviting that man to own his Lover heart.
Which makes something really clear to me. The problem with male sexuality is not too much desire or too much sexuality, but too little heart. Or better said, the body and heart get disconnected. We as men don’t know how to integrate well with our sexuality. Men lose the heart of their sexuality in so many ways. It’s always buried somewhere in layers of shame or the silent recesses of their story, in hidden trauma and abuse. Out of fear we also push it into the shadow of our beings, distrusting it ourselves.
Yet, no matter how broken or lost or wounded or even fine you feel as a man, there is hope for you to recover your innocence. And I wrote a whole book to help you get it back. It’s called The Sex Talk you Never Got and you can preorder it now.
Consider this book the sex talk you never got. Only you’re a little older now. So there’s more to talk about. This is a book bigger than just one sex talk because it was never meant to be one talk anyway. This is a journey to enter your story of sexual formation, finding the heart of your desire, and bringing it back alive.
That’s the conversation I want to have with you.
Your sexuality is worth a better conversation.
The book officially releases June 11. But you can preorder wherever you buy books.
And starting today you can get 3 preorder bonuses!
Exclusive Book Club with Author-Led Sessions: As part of your pre-order, you'll be automatically entered into an exclusive book club! I'll be personally leading this 6-week Zoom group, sharing deeper insights, and answering your questions. Expect lively discussions and maybe a few prizes along the way. The group starts the week of June 11. I love the power of community learning, and I can't wait to dive into these conversations together.
Free eBook – HOW TO GIVE A SEX TALK: To further enrich your understanding and skills, here is your complimentary copy of my eBook, HOW TO GIVE A SEX TALK. This guide is designed to empower you with knowledge, strategies, and the confidence to engage your children in meaningful sex talks. It's a perfect complement to the book you've pre-ordered, and you can start reading right away by downloading it here.
BOGO Offer: You get to take advantage of a special Buy One, Get One offer. It's an excellent opportunity to share this critical conversation with someone important to you. If you've opted in for this offer, an additional copy of the book will be making its way to either you or your chosen recipient during Launch Week (June 11).
Just go to my website to collect these bonuses
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Looking forward to this!