I think there actually might be a distinct third category within the "rest of us" part of the spectrum. People who experience and value connection and romance and attachment, but also find that their body seems to "need" sex and their mind goes crazy thinking about it. The idea of sex as "using" or "taking" is repugnant to them, but sex feels more like a biological need than a transcendent experience.
If the narcissist is someone who discovered human connection and ran away from it, becoming a child in an adult body, this third category is someone stuck at adolescence -- where we experience the sweetness of romance, but also the confusion of raging hormones.
Adolescents respond sexually at all kinds of inappropriate times, and often experience sex as a "drive" that seems uncontrollable. Mature adults don't -- if sex isn't available for a few months, it's not an emergency, and they don't respond sexually when they're not in a sexual context (i.e. in bed with a loved one who has indicated they are interested).
In many parts of the world that sort of maturity is normal; adults can, for example, be naked together in a sauna without it being a sexual trigger. But in the US, and especially in the US church, I think our sexual development is wrapped in so much shame and silence that many of us can't embrace our sexual selves in a way that allows us to progress to maturity.
Ah, yes, the stage of adolescence. That probably describes so many of us. I have had teenage places that needed (and still need) to grow up. Bless you in that "in between" work of growth!
Wow - Sam, what a cogent, incisive and thoughtful article. So much there to chew on. I’m going to need to read this one a few times! Your writing motivates me to reflect on and then apply new insights that help me to mature and grow as a whole-hearted man.
I'm not sure how I got this email but it's good, it rang true. As a guy with a different kinda history, I found myself wishing I could enter more into the narratives.
Thanks for reading Alan! You may have signed up at some point to get a free chapter of my book. Glad to know this had the ring of truth. I truly hope your story was different in a good way. Yet, I know we all suffer something in our sexuality outside of eden. It's the work of all of us to unpack our own stories.
I think there actually might be a distinct third category within the "rest of us" part of the spectrum. People who experience and value connection and romance and attachment, but also find that their body seems to "need" sex and their mind goes crazy thinking about it. The idea of sex as "using" or "taking" is repugnant to them, but sex feels more like a biological need than a transcendent experience.
If the narcissist is someone who discovered human connection and ran away from it, becoming a child in an adult body, this third category is someone stuck at adolescence -- where we experience the sweetness of romance, but also the confusion of raging hormones.
Adolescents respond sexually at all kinds of inappropriate times, and often experience sex as a "drive" that seems uncontrollable. Mature adults don't -- if sex isn't available for a few months, it's not an emergency, and they don't respond sexually when they're not in a sexual context (i.e. in bed with a loved one who has indicated they are interested).
In many parts of the world that sort of maturity is normal; adults can, for example, be naked together in a sauna without it being a sexual trigger. But in the US, and especially in the US church, I think our sexual development is wrapped in so much shame and silence that many of us can't embrace our sexual selves in a way that allows us to progress to maturity.
Ah, yes, the stage of adolescence. That probably describes so many of us. I have had teenage places that needed (and still need) to grow up. Bless you in that "in between" work of growth!
Wow - Sam, what a cogent, incisive and thoughtful article. So much there to chew on. I’m going to need to read this one a few times! Your writing motivates me to reflect on and then apply new insights that help me to mature and grow as a whole-hearted man.
So glad this left you with a hunger to grow! That is my deepest hope for my writing, Doug.
This is so helpful! I want all my struggling couple clients to see this, and it’s helpful for all of us, too. Thank you!
So glad to hear this Christa. Your feedback means a lot. I respect the work you do with clients!
Thank you! Shared with my 19 year old as well! 🙏🏼
I'm not sure how I got this email but it's good, it rang true. As a guy with a different kinda history, I found myself wishing I could enter more into the narratives.
Thanks for reading Alan! You may have signed up at some point to get a free chapter of my book. Glad to know this had the ring of truth. I truly hope your story was different in a good way. Yet, I know we all suffer something in our sexuality outside of eden. It's the work of all of us to unpack our own stories.
Yeah that's possible about the free chapter. This journey's worked good in my life, sometimes your story unpacks you.