No, This is Not Permission To Lust

To the woman who wrote the most honorable 2-star book review. Thank you and here’s my response.

“Do you see this woman?”

Jesus (Luke 7:44)

“The question is not what you look at, but what you see. It is only necessary to behold the least fact or phenomenon, however familiar, from a point a hair's breadth aside from our habitual path or routine, to be overcome, enchanted by its beauty and significance.”

Henry David Thoreau

As an author, I had no idea I could ever love a 2-star review. But then I got one that means the world to me; no sarcasm (or as the kids say, no cap). It’s the kind of review I think every author dreams of getting because it comes from a reader who actually took my book seriously and engaged the content in intellectual and personal ways, without open insult. Yes, as evidenced by the 2 stars, she took issue with what I said, especially the part about men experiencing awe at the sight of another woman’s beauty, because it put her in a bind. Here she is in her own words:

“I really loved most of the book but the subject of looking at other women's beauty/body leads to awe of God threw me off quite a bit. It just made me feel more insecure and hurt because I felt the author was trying hard to convince himself that was the truth. Maybe in extremely mature believers? If I find or catch my husband looking at another woman this would only lead me to feelings of not being good enough and less then. More insecurity, more demand on a woman for beauty and looking like someone else. I wasn't convinced of what the author was saying at all. I believe the authors intentions were good but I just couldn't get past certain things.”

Now do you see why I respect her? That is such an intellectually valid and personally tender concern. In writing on awe and beauty, am I just finding new language to baptize lust (even my own hidden lusts) and permit male objectification of women? Christian men writing books on sex does not have a good track record. And usually does involve blessing male entitlement to sexual gratification. Not that they openly bless lust per say, but they make lust sound inevitable in a man’s life unless he’s getting copious amounts of sexual fulfillment.

Which is why this is not simply an intellectual conversation. These ideas burden women or wives with keeping men safe and sexually satisfied so they don’t act out. For this woman, the idea that her husband might see other women as beautiful stirs her own insecurity. We as men simply do not know the burden of comparison women feel for the lustful looks of men, let alone the “beauty” standard set by the madness of our culture. And she holds very little hope that men could mature out of their entitlement. There is a collective grief I sense in her words.

Something is not well if this woman does not know she has her husband’s heart and does not feel secure in her relationship. She should know she is the love of his life and that no woman can compete with her no matter how the other woman looks or her personality sparkles. That is question number one: What happened in this relationship to make her feel insecure? Everything else I say does not matter until that is addressed. Everything else I say will only make the wound feel worse until that question is answered. What in her relationship is causing her to feel insecure? It may have roots in her own story too. But that past always has present day triggers and those are worthy of care.

Of course, I don’t know her story with her husband or what she has suffered as a woman around her body and beauty. But she has my compassion. God forbid that my book adds to her struggle. If my ideas loop-hole lust and just put lipstick on the same lust pig, then it is trash. Since I wrote a whole book on this, you can guess I have a few thoughts, which I hope honor this dear reader.

Photo by Quinten de Graaf on Unsplash

What is lust?

Jesus warned strongly against lust in his Sermon on the Mount. By cranking up the intensity of the commandment against adultery (Exodus 20:14), Jesus makes clear that lust is a thing of the heart, not simply what gets acted on with the body. I really appreciate how Tim Mackie translated this passage for the Bible Project podcast. “And I say to you; every one who goes on looking at a woman in order to cultivate lust for her, he has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). It’s not looking at a woman period that is the problem, but the intention of the heart, to continue looking for sexual gratification.

What happens in your heart is the entire deal here. The Greek word for lust (epithumeo) is used elsewhere in positive ways for good desire. Jesus himself “eagerly desired” to eat the passover meal with his disciples (Luke 22:15). Peter describes how the angels “long” to understand the revelations of God (1 Peter 1:12). In other words, desire itself is not wrong but the end of it. What are you being moved to do? As Dan Allender says, lust is “desire gone mad.” It’s savage indulgence for personal gratification and not rooted in any kind of love.

Jesus solution: Gouge out your eyes. Maim your body. What in the world?

It certainly establishes that a man’s lust is his issue. Jesus makes no reference to the adornment or lack thereof for the woman being lusted after. Sorry guys, it’s on you, period. Policing what a woman wears is not the solution. But gosh, “Gouge out you eyes”? It sounds so close to “Don’t even look,” a behavior thing. Is this Jesus version of “Bounce your eyes”?

Just look away?

Research shows that of all the things presented to an infant as they enter the world, they are most drawn to human faces. So powerful is an infants draw to faces that about every 8 seconds an infant has to break eye contact with its mother to self regulate the intensity they feel from this connection.¹ And it appears we don’t outgrow this. Another study of adults found that when presented with a vibrant picture of a beautiful scene with a person in it, our eyes look most at the human. In fact the more open and empathetic a person, the more they were drawn to beholding the human in the picture (this does not account for neurodivergence).

I dare say it’s impossible to not be moved by each other. We are wired this way. Seeking human presence is the way we bond and survive. That’s obvious for infants. But, in the poetic words of Curt Thompson, “we all are born into the world looking for someone looking for us, and we remain in this mode of searching for the rest of our lives.” Whether in friendship or romantic relationship or the line at the grocery store, we are looking for faces—for people who will see us and be present to us.

So when it comes to lust, I don’t believe just looking away creates long term health or maturity. It’s a temporary fix. We are wired towards seeing each other. No one wants to feel exposed by someone’s eyes, but we all want to be seen. Need to be seen. Always just averting your eyes shuts this down and keeps you in a literal posture of shame.

Bouncing the eyes also confuses us about what is actually causing our lusts. We can believe that the blame belongs to immodestly dressed women. While looking away may seem like it’s protecting women, it actually brings them harm. We externalize the problem and treat women with contempt. Sheila Wray Gregoire put it this way.

“When you refuse to look at a woman, or turn away when you see her, or refuse to interact with her, you transfer your shame onto her. And she doesn't deserve that. The number of women I have talked to who say that the men in the church treat them like they're invisible or have leprosy or something is so depressing.”

We rob women of the chance to have healthy and bonding relationships with men. We all need faces to reflect back to us who we are. As a man, when you simply withdraw your face, you take your presence away too. You take away this communal bond we all need.

This is not to force you to look. Your face is a gift and you get to decide when and where to give that gift. You may need to look away at times. That may be good and necessary. But "bouncing your eyes" as the only and ultimate solution to lust is not healthy. Avoiding relationship or eye contact altogether cannot be your long term fix.

Don’t go on looking to lust. But don’t quit looking altogether. The world needs your face.

New Eyes

I believe Jesus command to gouge out our eyes was about way more than simply shifting our gaze. Don’t just bounce them. Gouge them out. Get rid of them. No one would have heard this as an actual solution. And that I believe is his point. He is trying to wreck us. We don’t just need to behave or bounce our eyes. We need new eyes altogether. The whole Sermon on the Mount was mean to leave us desperate for rescue.

And later after his lust comments, Jesus says this: “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!” (Matthew 6:22,23). The word healthy here means generous and counters the way the ten commandments describes lust as a form of covetousness and making a possession or object of a woman. Lust is taking, not giving. Stealing a glance, but not in a good way.

Jesus is giving a vision for healthy eyes, for a different way of seeing the world. Indeed, it’s for those who are “…seeing but never perceiving…” (Matthew 13:14) that he has come, to give sight to the blind. New eyes are how Jesus talks about God’s redemption of our whole being. Maybe there is a way of beholding each other that does not fall into lust, a way of looking that gives to each other rather than takes.

Jesus saw people. He noticed them and, even more so, was moved by them. He didn’t look away. He saw people in their stories. He saw how people handled their suffering and sin and hunger. He was always searching for people living with desire and faith and risk. That was the beauty he saw, not superficial perfection, but what Dacher Keltner would call “moral beauty.”²

That’s what we need to see.

Back to this woman’s review: I so respect that she said maybe this is a vision for really mature Christians. Yes, that is the invitation of my book: for men to outgrow their lusts and develop mature eyes. To get from Jesus, often through death and resurrection, new and generous eyes to see.

I called this new way of looking Awe—an experience of both respect and pleasure. Jesus lived with awe for people. He was moved by them and enjoyed them. Awe is not exclusively or even primarily sexual. It can arouse us but more so, it moves us. And of course we are moved. We are glimpsing the artwork of God.

Paul made clear that our faces and presence reflect to each other the glory of God (2 Corinthians 3:18). Woah. We offer to each other a glimpse of the divine. Paul is tipping his hat at the story of Moses who, after communing with God, came down the mountain with a glowing face. It was so powerful they the Israelites couldn’t handle it and had to look away. They were too moved! Yes, all of creation bears God’s glory, mirrors to us something of his artist heart, if we let it. That sunset you saw last night or the beautiful music that caught you in rotation on Spotify. But maybe most of all, we are moved by other people.

Let’s be clear, glory is something far more profound than simply what someone looks like. Appearance is a part of a person’s glory but such a two dimensional version. Our cultures view of “hot people” is such a mockery and abuse of human glory, especially feminine glory. Every single person is beautiful. Every single person bears the glory of God. Sure, we have a responsibility to steward and cultivate ourselves, but glory is not something we put on or dress for.

To truly know a person’s glory, you’ve got to know them. You’ve got to pursue and relate with them and discover their heart. A passing glance at a stranger gives you a small taste of their glory but nowhere near the depth of relationship to truly know them. Which is why I hurt for this reviewer. Something is amiss if this woman does not feel like the most pursued and known woman in her husband’s world. Something is amiss if she feels the pressure to put on beauty or become something more to win his eyes. This is betrayal on his part.

Lust to awe

Okay so if we’re not supposed to gouge out our eyes, how does lust become awe in a man? How does he outgrow stealing glances to giving the blessing of his face?

Researchers discovered that awe invokes two essential feelings: the experience of vastness or otherness (literal or figurative) and the need for accommodation. We are overcome with something powerfully good. The staggering beauty of a sunset. The glorious gaping chasm of the grand canyon. Or the stunning presence of a woman. And we need time to process this experience, we need to literally adapt to this new experience. We are changed in the experience.

In other words, awe requires us to be overpowered by what’s before us. To even be undone if need be. We are moved. This is the fundamental difference between awe and lust. Lust is “power-over.” Awe requires being “overpowered.” Lust is actually a refusal to awe. Because awe requires a person be voluntarily power-less. Lust demands to stay in control. Awe accepts I will be changed.

Every experience of awe will take you very first and foremost into your core needs and your core stories.³ You must connect with your well being. How are you really? What is happening inside? It’s why people can be caught off guard and end up in tears seeing a child at play or hearing a line of poetry. It takes us into our deepest selves. “Woe is me!” cried Isaiah as he beheld the throne room of God. We tend to make that a purely spiritual expression. And I want you to hear that as a bodily cry from a man who was overcome and could not yet adjust to the scene before him. He needed accommodation, integration. And the angel offered it to him.

In order to become someone who can be in healthy awe of people and the world, we will be required to enter back into our own core needs and our own core stories.

Sometime this summer while I stood at the Costco gas pump waiting for my car to fill, I looked around to smile at my fellow “club members.” At the next pump over I noticed a well dressed and attractive woman. Her clothes more expressive than simple business attire, I guessed she was on the way to an important dinner or special event. In that split-second experience, I noticed my whole insides warm and my heart said, Wow.

Knowing I’d been moved and knowing I did not want to ditch into lust, I turned to my own heart to name what she stirred in me. And what I recognized most of all in that moment was just how tired I was. I suddenly felt overcome with all that I’d been carrying and how little I’d stopped to care for myself in the day. And I felt a longing to be a well-kept man, a person of dignity like this woman. She stirred me to want a beautiful life with important dinners and meaningful events. I could have been the ditch to coveting, a jealous lust for her dignity. But as I named that, I felt complete freedom to look away, bless her life, even feel gratitude for her hard work at living well. She drove off shortly after leaving me in the wake of her presence. I felt changed inside, inspired to live better.

There is a way of seeing people like Jesus saw people and was moved by them. Yes this is a vision that asks you to mature as a man, grow up out of your lusts, and develop humble awe.

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Thanks for reading!

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1. Schnarch, David. Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. (Australia: Scribe Publications Pty Limited, 1999), 186, 347-350

2. Keltner, Dacher. Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life. (United Kingdom: Penguin Publishing Group, 2023), 11.

3. Thank you to Laurie Krieg for articulating this amazing insight.